DAME JUDI DENCH HAS AN AWESOME PUSSY

INT DAME JUDI DENCH’S PARLOUR

DAME JUDI DENCH AND SIR PETER BILLINGSLEY ARE CHATTING. DAME JUDI DENCH IS HOLDING A CAT AND PETTING IT. REPEAT SHE IS PETTING A CAT.

DAME JUDI DENCH
So tell me, Sir Billingsley, what do you think of my pussy?

SIR PETER BILLINGSLEY
Why my lady, I think your pussy is marvelous. In fact, everyone does. Everybody is always saying “Dame Judi Dench has an amazing pussy”, “Have you seen Dame Judi Dench’s pussy?”, “Dame Judi Dench has the sweetest pussy in all of Britain”.

DAME JUDI DENCH
Oh, you are making me blush. And my pussy is blushing too.

SIR PETER BILLINGSLEY
Nonsense. You should be proud. Most women would love to have a pussy like yours.

DAME JUDI DENCH
I know. I’m very grateful to have such a lovely pussy. That’s why everyday I make sure to tell my pussy how much I love it while I stroke it.

SIR PETER BILLINGSLEY
As well you should.

DAME JUDI DENCH
Although I do fear that it’s time to trim my pussy. My pussy’s hair is getting quite long.

SIR PETER BILLINGSLEY
Perhaps you should completely shave your pussy.

DAME JUDI DENCH
A bald pussy? That would look frightfully silly!

THEY BOTH LAUGH

DAME JUDI DENCH (CONT’D)
I do believe my pussy is getting hungry. Mayhap, Sir Billingsley, you could feed your big sausage to my pussy.

SIR BILLINGSLEY HAS BEEN EATING A BIG PLATE OF SAUSAGES THIS WHOLE TIME

SIR PETER BILLINGSLEY
Certainly, I just hope my sausage isn’t too big for your little pussy.

DAME JUDI DENCH
Oh, my pussy may look small, but it has a big appetite.

SIR PETER BILLINGSLEY
Well then...

SIR BILLINGSLEY ATTEMPTS TO FEED SAUSAGE TO THE CAT

DAME JUDI DENCH
What are you doing?

SIR PETER BILLINGSLEY
Feeding the cat a sausage?

DAME JUDI DENCH
I was referring to your penis as a sausage and my vagina as a pussy. I want you to fuck me.

SIR PETER BILLINGSLEY
Oh. I thought you were just having fun with double entendres.

DAME JUDI DENCH
I would never resort to anything as terribly unfunny as a double entendere. That is truly as low a form of humour as one could ever imagine. It is what I, Dame Judi Dench, refer to as “weaksauce”. I absolutely hate double entendres and the people who practice them. Honestly, anyone who finds that sort of thing funny should be drawn and quartered. Then shat upon. Then their remaining family members should be sold into sexual slavery. Then shat upon. I mean seriously, how can anyone find this painfully lame unimaginative garbage funny? Except when they did it on ‘Arrested Development’. That show did it pretty well. That’s the one exception. But shat upon all others who practice this dark unfunny art. Now, Sir Peter Billingsley, come and eat my pussy. And I don’t mean this stupid cat!

DAME JUDI THROWS CAT INTO FIREPLACE WHERE IT IS INCINERATED*

SIR PETER BILLINGSLEY
Very well.

SLOW FIVE MINUTE FADE OUT AS SIR PETER BILLINGSLEY EATS DAME JUDI DENCH’S PUSSY(VAGINA)

(*WE SHOULD USE REAL CAT AND ACTUALLY BURN IT ALIVE. IT’LL MAKE THE WHOLE SCENE MUCH MORE EDGY AND DARING)

RACHEL MADDOW WON'T STOP THROWING HER FECES

INT THE RACHEL MADDOW SHOW

RACHEL MADDOW
Hello and welcome back, I’m Rachel Maddow and with me is CEO of Nabisco Enterprises, Joseph Coleman. Hello Joseph.

JOSEPH COLEMAN
Hello Rachel, it’s a pleasure to be here.

RACHEL THROWS A HANDFUL OF HER FECES IN JOSEPH’S FACE

JOSEPH COLEMAN (CONT’D)
Did- did you just throw your feces at me?

RACHEL MADDOW
Yes, I did. Now Mr. Coleman, your company has been accused of putting harmful additives into your snack treats. How do you respond to these allegations?

JOSEPH COLEMAN
Rachel, these allegations are completely false. We have nev- Ahhhhh!

HE GETS HIT WITH ANOTHER HANDFUL OF FECES

RACHEL MADDOW
Well according to the FDA there are trace amounts of arsenic in many of your products. ‘Ritz Bits’ in particular.

JOSEPH COLEMAN
Look, those FDA reports were highly inacc-

HIT WITH MORE FECES

JOSEPH COLEMAN (CONT’D)
Enough. When I agreed to come on this show I didn’t know there would be feces throwing. If this continues, I will leave.

JOSEPH WIPES FECES OFF HIS FACE

RACHEL MADDOW
Mr. Coleman, you have a little piece of corn in your moustache.

JOSEPH COLEMAN
Ewwwwwwwwwwww!

FURIOUSLY WIPES FACE OFF

RACHEL MADDOW
Now why do you believe those FDA reports were incorrect?

JOSEPH COLEMAN
Well, first of all they were done by-

RACHEL MADDOW
(grunting) Nnnnnnnnnn. Keep talking. Mmmmmmmmmm. Just give me a second here. Uuuuhhhhhhhhhhh.

JOSEPH COLEMAN
Are you trying to get more feces to throw at me?

RACHEL MADDOW
Yeah. Nnnnnnn. Running a little low. Oooooooooooo. It’s coming though. Eeeeeeeee.

RACHEL GRABS HOLD OF DESK AND BRACES HERSELF AS SHE TRIES REALLY HARD TO MAKE HERSELF SHIT

RACHEL MADDOW (CONT’D)
Nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

RACHEL IS SWEATING PROFUSELY

RACHEL MADDOW (CONT’D)
Nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn- AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and there!

RACHEL IS BREATHING HEAVILY. SHE HAS PRODUCED A SMALL TURD THE SIZE AND APPEARANCE OF HALF A ‘100 GRAND’ CANDY BAR. SHE THROWS IT AND HITS JOSEPH IN THE HEAD

RACHEL MADDOW (CONT’D)
Well, it looks like we’re all out of feces tonight. Good night,

BLACK OUT

SARAH PALIN AND JON GOSSELIN GO ON A DATE(with footnotes)

This sketch involves a lot of topical/pop culture references. So in order to make sure everyone gets the jokes I have included footnotes at the bottom of the sketch.

INT RESTAURANT

JON GOSSELIN AND SARAH PALIN ARE HAVING A ROMANTIC DINNER

JON GOSSELIN
This is really great. I was really excited to get back in the dating scene, but who would’ve thought I’d end up on a date with a former vice presidential candidate*.

SARAH PALIN
Well, imagine my surprise to be set up on a date with the star of ‘Jon and Kate Plus 8’**. I haven’t seen it myself but I’ve heard alot about it. Wasilla doesn’t get cable.***

JON GOSSELIN
It’s crazy that we were set up together. That’s eHarmony**** for you.

THEY BOTH LAUGH

SARAH PALIN
So do you have any children?

JON GOSSELIN
Boy do I ever!***** How about you?

SARAH PALIN
5. There’s Track and Trig and-

JON GOSSELIN
Wait, are those the kids names or a high school class schedule?******

SARAH PALIN
What? Oh right, my kids have stupid names.******* Maybe naming a child Track was a mistake.

JON GOSSELIN
Well, I know a few things about making mistakes. After all. I made 8 of them.******** I should've paid for the "procedures", if you know what I mean.

SARAH PALIN
Are you talking about abortion? Because abortion is never acceptable.********* Even if the woman is raped.********** All children are miracles and have the right to be born. Except retarded babies***********. I probably should have aborted my youngest retarded child.************

JON GOSSELIN
I hear you.

WAITER ENTERS

WAITER
(lisping)*************I’m sorry, I talked to the chef but he refuses to cook moose************** for you.

SARAH PALIN
What? But I want a moose burger and I want it now!

JON GOSSELIN
Hey, just order something else.

SARAH PALIN
No! If I can’t get my way then I am forced to resign from this date.***************

SARAH PALIN STORMS OUT.

THE GHOST OF THAT MURDERING MILLIONAIRE GUY THAT COMMITTED SUICIDE FROM THAT ONE REALITY SHOW**************** ENTERS

GHOST OF THAT MURDERING MILLIONAIRE GUY THAT COMMITTED SUICIDE
Jooooooon Gosseliiiiiiiiin, I bring you a messaaaaaaage from beyoooooooond.

JON GOSSELIN
Wh-what is it?

GHOST OF THAT MURDERING MILLIONAIRE GUY THAT COMMITTED SUICIDE
Neeeeext time uuuuuuuuse match.com*****************

-Footnotes

(*SARAH PALIN RAN FOR U.S. VICE PRESIDENT ON THE REPUBLICAN TICKET IN 2008. SHE RECENTLY FILED FOR DIVORCE)

(**JON GOSSELIN IS THE STAR OF A REALITY TELEVISION SHOW. HE ALSO RECENTLY FILED FOR DIVORCE)

(***SARAH PALIN WAS MAYOR OF A SMALL ALASKA TOWN CALLED WASILLA)

(****EHARMONY IS AN ONLINE DATING WEBSITE)

(*****JON GOSSELIN HAS 8 CHILDREN)

(******SARAH PALIN’S CHILDREN HAVE STUPID NAMES)

(*******SARAH PALIN’S CHILDREN HAVE REALLY STUPID NAMES)

(********JON GOSSELIN IS A TERRIBLE FATHER)

(*********SARAH PALIN IS AGAINST ABORTION)

(**********SARAH PALIN IS ALSO AGAINST VICTIMS OF RAPE GETTING ABORTIONS)

(***********SARAH PALIN’S YOUNGEST CHILD IS RETARDED)

(************RETARDED CHILDREN SHOULD BE ABORTED)

(*************MANY WAITERS ARE HOMOSEXUAL)

(**************SARAH PALIN ENJOYS HUNTING MOOSE)

(***************SARAH PALIN RESIGNED AS GOVERNOR)

(****************SOME GUY FROM SOME REALITY SHOW ABOUT MILLIONAIRES MURDERED SOMEONE THEN COMMITTED SUICIDE)

(*****************MATCH.COM IS AN ONLINE DATING WEBSITE AND RIVAL TO EHARMONY.COM)

BETSY ROSS GETS REPEATEDLY PUNCHED IN THE TWAT

INT COLONIAL SEWING ROOM OF BETSY ROSS

BETSY ROSS IS SITTING WITH GEORGE WASHINGTON

GEORGE WASHINGTON
Well, Betsy Ross, I can’t wait to see this new flag that you’ve sewn for us. It should greatly help inspire our soldiers to fight against the hated British.

BETSY
I hope it pleases you, General Washington.

GEORGE WASHINGTON
My dear, nothing you do could ever displease me. You are an angel from heaven.

BETSY
You don’t really mean that.

GEORGE WASHINGTON
Of course I do. Because as we all know, I CAN NOT TELL A LIE.

GEORGE WASHINGTON TURNS TOWARD AUDIENCE AND WINKS

BETSY
Well, here it is.

SHE UNFOLDS THE FLAG AND DISPLAYS IT

GEORGE WASHINGTON
What madness is this? Those stripes are vertical! I wanted horizontal, you stupid cow!

GEORGE WASHINGTON THEN DELIVERS 3 HARD PUNCHES TO BETSY’S TWAT

GEORGE WASHINGTON (CONT’D)
I will return in a half a fortnight. And when I do, you had best have a suitable flag to show me.

GEORGE WASHINGTON EXITS

BLACK OUT

INT COLONIAL SEWING ROOM OF BETSY ROSS

GEORGE WASHINGTON HAS RETURNED ALONG WITH BEN FRANKLIN

GEORGE WASHINGTON
Well Ms. Ross, I have brought along my good friend Ben Franklin to see what he thinks of your new flag.

BETSY
Very well, good sirs. Hopefully you like this better than the last one.

BETSY UNFOLDS FLAG AND DISPLAYS IT

BEN FRANKLIN
Madness!

GEORGE WASHINGTON
I said thirteen stars! I see hearts, moons, and four leaf clovers, but I see no stars!

BEN FRANKLIN PUNCHES BETSY IN THE TWAT

BETSY
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Why did that hurt so much more than a regular punch to the twat?

BEN FRANKLIN
ELECTRICITY!

BEN FRANKLIN TURNS TOWARD AUDIENCE AND WINKS

BEN FRANKLIN (CONT’D)
You see in my fist is a KEY-

TURNS TO AUDIENCE AND WINKS

BEN FRANKLIN (CONT’D)
-which I have attached to a KITE-

BEN FRANKLIN TURNS TOWARD AUDIENCE AND WINKS

BEN FRANKLIN (CONT’D)
-which was struck by LIGHTNING!
BEN FRANKLIN TURNS TOWARD AUDIENCE AND WINKS

BEN FRANKLIN (CONT’D)
I call it a "SHOCKER".

WAIT 30-50 SECONDS FOR LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE TO STOP

GEORGE WASHINGTON
Fix this immediately. We shall return in three quarters of a fortnight and a nighday and a half.

GEORGE WASHINGTON AND BEN FRANKLIN EXIT

BLACK OUT

INT COLONIAL SEWING ROOM OF BETSY ROSS

GEORGE WASHINGTON AND BEN FRANKLIN HAVE RETURNED. THEY HAVE BROUGHT ALONG THOMAS JEFFERSON

GEORGE WASHINGTON
We have returned. And with us is Thomas Jefferson. A very refined gentleman whose opinion of these matters is cherished. Now show us the flag.

BETSY
I really don’t want to sew anymore.

BETSY UNFOLDS IT. EVERYONE LOOKS TO THOMAS JEFFERSON FOR HIS OPINION

THOMAS JEFFERSON
Hmmmm. Lovely stitching. The stars are delightfully arranged. The stripes are excellent. They really jump out and say “Liberty!”. Nice use of white. Hmmmmmm. Not so sure about that shade of red. It seems kind of showy. As though we’re saying “Hey world, look at me”.

GEORGE WASHINGTON
Wench! You have failed us a third time!

BETSY
Gentlemen, it’s really unbecoming for men of your stature to be repeatedly punching a simple seamstress in her twat.

THOMAS JEFFERSON
She is correct.

BETSY SIGHS

BETSY
Thank you, Mr. Jefferson

THOMAS JEFFERSON
This is really beneath us. Slave! Come punch this woman’s twat for us.

FEMALE SLAVE ENTERS AND REPEATEDLY PUNCHES BETSY IN THE TWAT UNTIL SHE DIES OF INTERNAL HEMORRHAGING

THOMAS JEFFERSON (CONT’D)
Brilliant work. I guess that’s why I love you so much, SALLY HEMINGS.

THOMAS JEFFERSON TURNS TOWARD AUDIENCE AND WINKS.

THEY EMBRACE AND KISS AS WE DO A SLOW ROMANTIC FADE OUT

(CASTING NOTE: THE TWAT PUNCHES NEED TO BE REAL SO THE ACTRESS PLAYING BETSY ROSS NEEDS A DURABLE TWAT. CHECK AVAILABILITY OF MARISA TOMEI)