SARAH PALIN AND JON GOSSELIN GO ON A DATE(with footnotes)

This sketch involves a lot of topical/pop culture references. So in order to make sure everyone gets the jokes I have included footnotes at the bottom of the sketch.

INT RESTAURANT

JON GOSSELIN AND SARAH PALIN ARE HAVING A ROMANTIC DINNER

JON GOSSELIN
This is really great. I was really excited to get back in the dating scene, but who would’ve thought I’d end up on a date with a former vice presidential candidate*.

SARAH PALIN
Well, imagine my surprise to be set up on a date with the star of ‘Jon and Kate Plus 8’**. I haven’t seen it myself but I’ve heard alot about it. Wasilla doesn’t get cable.***

JON GOSSELIN
It’s crazy that we were set up together. That’s eHarmony**** for you.

THEY BOTH LAUGH

SARAH PALIN
So do you have any children?

JON GOSSELIN
Boy do I ever!***** How about you?

SARAH PALIN
5. There’s Track and Trig and-

JON GOSSELIN
Wait, are those the kids names or a high school class schedule?******

SARAH PALIN
What? Oh right, my kids have stupid names.******* Maybe naming a child Track was a mistake.

JON GOSSELIN
Well, I know a few things about making mistakes. After all. I made 8 of them.******** I should've paid for the "procedures", if you know what I mean.

SARAH PALIN
Are you talking about abortion? Because abortion is never acceptable.********* Even if the woman is raped.********** All children are miracles and have the right to be born. Except retarded babies***********. I probably should have aborted my youngest retarded child.************

JON GOSSELIN
I hear you.

WAITER ENTERS

WAITER
(lisping)*************I’m sorry, I talked to the chef but he refuses to cook moose************** for you.

SARAH PALIN
What? But I want a moose burger and I want it now!

JON GOSSELIN
Hey, just order something else.

SARAH PALIN
No! If I can’t get my way then I am forced to resign from this date.***************

SARAH PALIN STORMS OUT.

THE GHOST OF THAT MURDERING MILLIONAIRE GUY THAT COMMITTED SUICIDE FROM THAT ONE REALITY SHOW**************** ENTERS

GHOST OF THAT MURDERING MILLIONAIRE GUY THAT COMMITTED SUICIDE
Jooooooon Gosseliiiiiiiiin, I bring you a messaaaaaaage from beyoooooooond.

JON GOSSELIN
Wh-what is it?

GHOST OF THAT MURDERING MILLIONAIRE GUY THAT COMMITTED SUICIDE
Neeeeext time uuuuuuuuse match.com*****************

-Footnotes

(*SARAH PALIN RAN FOR U.S. VICE PRESIDENT ON THE REPUBLICAN TICKET IN 2008. SHE RECENTLY FILED FOR DIVORCE)

(**JON GOSSELIN IS THE STAR OF A REALITY TELEVISION SHOW. HE ALSO RECENTLY FILED FOR DIVORCE)

(***SARAH PALIN WAS MAYOR OF A SMALL ALASKA TOWN CALLED WASILLA)

(****EHARMONY IS AN ONLINE DATING WEBSITE)

(*****JON GOSSELIN HAS 8 CHILDREN)

(******SARAH PALIN’S CHILDREN HAVE STUPID NAMES)

(*******SARAH PALIN’S CHILDREN HAVE REALLY STUPID NAMES)

(********JON GOSSELIN IS A TERRIBLE FATHER)

(*********SARAH PALIN IS AGAINST ABORTION)

(**********SARAH PALIN IS ALSO AGAINST VICTIMS OF RAPE GETTING ABORTIONS)

(***********SARAH PALIN’S YOUNGEST CHILD IS RETARDED)

(************RETARDED CHILDREN SHOULD BE ABORTED)

(*************MANY WAITERS ARE HOMOSEXUAL)

(**************SARAH PALIN ENJOYS HUNTING MOOSE)

(***************SARAH PALIN RESIGNED AS GOVERNOR)

(****************SOME GUY FROM SOME REALITY SHOW ABOUT MILLIONAIRES MURDERED SOMEONE THEN COMMITTED SUICIDE)

(*****************MATCH.COM IS AN ONLINE DATING WEBSITE AND RIVAL TO EHARMONY.COM)